Memoirs of a Questioning Mind

tequlia sunrise in one hand
red stripe in the other

great mix


good party

last one of the summer/first of the fall

I do feel like a tank has rolled back and worth over me, but I still did not throw up.

I just want to be able to verbalize how I feel right now. Everything has changed since Sunday. I realize that this change is the best for both of us, but I am not ready to take the next step. I will be able to, but just not this week and probably not the next, maybe the one after that.

I am not able to really express to you just how much I care and how I am in for the long run. You will just have to trust me.

Mallet will be moving to Rose Towers for 4 days to a week. There is a massive leak in the plumbing and the source of the problem is covered with huge piles of shit left over from the BOG chair.

Advantages: Having a privatre kitchen and bathroom.
Disadvantages: No microwave, smoking, drinking,parties, pets, and the whole moving our shit at 10 tonight thing.




Mallet- Always an adventure

I am coming back home tonight.

Yesterday, I had an awesome dance party with Mrs. Dalloway. Her favorite song seemed to be "Blinded by the Light" by Manfred Mann. She will have a new bloom soon. Yes, having the highlight of your day be a plant may not be some people's idea of fun,but keeping things simple is okay sometimes. There will be plenty of times in our lives that things are impossible and nothing will work, but we must cherish the times when things are simple.



-Ben

Ohh,what a beautiful day!


Mrs. Dalloway is in full bloom!

So do any of you have the newest B-Top and the Ying -Yang Sisters CD?

I believe it is titled "BF'in wit my home girl Cory". It is by Medieval Records. There is supposedly a special remix of their 2005 hit, "Ursula takin her shoooooes off!"

I am not sure why, but for some reason I am dissatisfied with things in my life. I have great friends. ( I do miss Bret,Lee,Hobo, and Mitch.) I have very little responsibility. Very few problems. I have some of the greatest brothers you could ask for. My big brother Austin, my little brother Eli, and even that annoying brother Seth. I have Anna who,for once in my life, is a person that I can see being around me forever. I keep get handed things that I may not totally deserve; and the only drama I ever deal with is not even mine. I have a great life, but some goddamn reason, something is not connecting right.

I need somethinmg new. Maybe someone new. I want to keep all of the awesome I have now, but there is something else that I am thirsting for.

I might can find this next time that I pick up a book, or watch a movie.

and...

Maybe,just maybe, I can find what I am looking for when I walk by her today or tomorrow or the next day.

Whatever form you may come in, please come soon. This is someone waiting here with open arms.



Some people are good at leading.
Some people are good at following.
Some people are good at just being there.


I have just been there for too long.





Goddamnit it -
I want to see the hippy and the nub.

Fuck Saint Augustine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Finals are over and I am wasted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



SUMMER IS HERE BITCHES

I have one more final and a paper left before this school year is over. So that I can put them off, I am going to go ahead and write about my freshmen year experience. For the first time in my life, I can really feel and see that I have changed. I have done things I thought/ swore I would never do. I have gone places I never thought I would go.

I finally had a group of friends that accepted me for who I am. Unfortunately, it was short lived, and they no longer welcome me. This has only made me stronger. I got to make new friends that all hold qualities that I would never see if I was still in the old group.

I am slowly learning the whole independence thing. I do not need the protections I have had in the past. Mallet has taught me that taking the "safe" way is not always safest. I have learned that I owe no one anything. I have learned that life is full of bullshit, and you should never let the BS get you down.

I have solved many problems, but dug up more. I kind of like it that way.

I have realized that most people in this world are completely terrified of life. I have also realized that some people are terrified of me.

I have slowly figured out what I want, and for the first time in my life, I have gone for it.

I have gained a love for theater and the people in it.

I have come to the conclusion that I am an extremely beautiful person inside and out. Whether or not people recognize that or not is their own deal, but it is not going to slow me down.

I use to want to help people, but I have lost a great amount of hope in people. I have not lost hope in humanity; so I will be fighting for humanity.

I can love humanity and still dislike people. This year has taught me that it is ok to dislike people, you aren't really hurting them, and you are just recognizing they are shitty people.

I still hate yearbooks, computers, neo-conservatives, useless laws, and people that actually think they are better than me.

Lastly, I have realized just how awesome Anna, Austin, Laura, Tim, Wholesome, Meredith, and Hobo are.

Thank you Anna.


-Ben

I want it to be about 6 years from now. I want to be taking a break from Berkeley and doing my research in a little village in Deutschland. I want to be able to speak fluently and just blend in with everyone else.I want it to be mid-afternoon and I am sitting in a quiet bar. I want to be holding an ice cold German beer and just relax.

Some nights I just cannot be social. I was not feeling too happy; so I took a nap untill midnight. I woke and then went downstairs. I just was not interested in being around drunk and tripping people. So I turned on Back to the Future and read about structuralism,poststructuralism,modernism,postmodernism,nihilism,and existentialism.



The fun has begun.

I just watched the greatest performance that I have seen all year.


Fuck UA advertising with football, we have an amazing theatre department.

Sometimes I step back and look at what I have here. The great friends. The increased confidence. The greater academic power. My approach to people. The fun I have. The drama I stay out of. The drama I put myself into. The University of Alabama. Mallet. The places I have been. The things I have done. The people I have done them with.

Things sure have changed, and I love it.



Spring Orgy 06

A little flood damage in no way ruined the best party of the year.

Some people just need to stop sucking. Oh, and for the people reading this and really want to know who I am talking about, stop sucking. If I wanted you to know, I would tell you.

I see no problem in disliking certain people. I usually have a good reason why I do not like someone, but truly, I do not need a reason. The people that I do like, I treat with complete respect.

I will fight for people's rights, but that does not mean I have to like then all.

I am now an employee in the Government Documents Stacks Office of the Gorgas Library. I make my own hours. Off on nights and weekends. Yes!!1

My Dirty Little Secret

Concerning my last post:

I do not like her. She only knew me a few days, and would not leave me. I do want a relationship with someone, but I want it to mean something. Telling me how much you like these other women does not turn me on. I do not need someone to tell me how awesome I am, I already know.


I had my two best friends with me this weekend. I felt like such an ass, because I should of been so happy and excited, but I was instead in a pissy mood. I am not sure why. I was able to remember why I was friends with hank, and that makes me happy.

Adam owes me a case of beer, a handle of whiskey, and a big apology.

I went to the allergist. In a few weeks, I will be taking allergy shots. I am so happy.

I am going to one of the counselors tomorrow. I think I have ADD. It would explain The last 4 years of school work. AT ASMS, if you did not perform well, you were just seen as stupid. I was never given the suggestion of getting the right help.

Fuck Fascism.
Fuck Housing.
Fuck Health&Safety.



Bob Dole bitches!!!!

I gained a great amount of respect for one of my friends Friday. She said no to him. Every woman says yes, but she didn't. He is addicted. Man, he was pissed. Sorry buddy, the world does not evolve around you anymore.

This is finally a female that likes me. This is all so wierd. I was unsure of what to say and do, but I then realized that I am obviously saying and doing the right things.




I actually really like her.

I hate Annie.